A-Gnome-aly: A Gravity Falls FanFiction
by BillCipher15
Summary: Dipper and Mabel are enjoying a lazy Saturday at home, when Dipper finds an anomaly he cannot resist paying a visit to. But does Mabel's new boyfriend have something to do with the sinister creatures waiting for them? Meanwhile, Soos and Stan do home renovations on the Shack because it is incredibly old and disgusting. / This is my first fan fiction, so please tell me how it is!
1. Flirting with Disaster

Mabel slowly opened her eyes. She stole a swift glance across the room to see if her brother was up yet. She was surprised to see him looking back at her, twin grins crossing their faces. "Mabel," he began, but she finished for him. "It's Saturday!" she shouted, jumping out of bed and throwing her blanket behind her. Mabel was practically bouncing off the walls with the excitement of the morning.

This Saturday was no different than any other Saturday, but Mabel loved lying in her PJs all day and relishing in the fact that she and her brother didn't have to work in the Shack. So she ran across the room to Dipper's bed and tugged the covers out from under him. Dipper groaned and rolled over. He liked Saturdays too, but definitely not to the degree as Mabel did.

"DIPPER!" she shouted in his ear. "GET UP!"

"All right, I'm up," he told her, chuckling a bit at his sister's enthusiasm. The twins walked down the wooden staircase in their bare feet, and they were greeted by the smell of bacon, which Stan always made on Saturdays. Dipper and Mabel took their seats at the table, along with Stan, Soos, and Waddles.

"Mornin kids," Stan grinned and flipped up his eyepatch as he flipped whatever meat concoction he was frying up. "Whatcha got planned for today?"

"Nothing," Dipper told him as he shoveled a handful of pancakes into his mouth.

"Well, if ya got nothing, Soos and I are going to be doing some renovation projects on the Shack! You know, cuz it's all old and disgusting and such," Stan told them.

"Couldn't you hire a guy for that?" Dipper asked.

"Guys cost money!" Stan patted Soos on the back. "We're guys! We're tough! We can handle this!"

"I'm not tough," Soos told them. "I'm all soft. And squishy. Like a big old donut." He pulled up his shirt and poked his belly.

"So kid, nothing happening? That's a first."

"Nope. We're just gonna go where the day takes us!"

"Boo!" Mabel yelled, then chugged a glass of Mabel-Juice. "That's boring! And stupid!"

"Okay, okay," Dipper said. "Is there anything you have in mind?"

"NOPE!" Mabel shouted, flopping backwards in her chair. But she was hiding from Dipper that secretly, she wanted to go into town and meet boys. Ever since her last failed summer romance, she'd been desperate to find a guy to put into her scrapbook.

"Hey, I have an idea," she said to him. "How about if we, I don't know, make ourselves look attractive and hang out at Greasy's Diner?" she asked, twisting a strand of her hair around her finger nonchalantly.

Dipper looked suspicious. "Why would we want to 'make ourselves look attractive'?" he asked her, making air quotes.

"Well, you see," Mabel started, then mentally panicked. _What does Dipper like…sciency stuff! And food!_ "You see, _scientific studies_ have shown that when people make themselves look nice then hang out at local diners in flirty outfits, such as my sparkly pink heart sweater, diner owners are more likely to give them _free food!_" she lied.

Dipper swallowed a mouthful of pancakes and thrust his fist in the air. "I'm in. Free food, here I come!"

"Hey dudes," Soos said, flipping a pancake. "When I want to look attractive, I wear my special underwear. Nobody can see it, but it still makes me feel good about myself." He shimmied a little, causing him to accidentally flip a pancake onto his face.

"That's weird, man," Dipper told him.

"It's a good idea, but the only problem with it is that ALL of my underwear is special!" Mabel and Soos laugh with each other while Dipper and Stan stare.

/

An hour later, Dipper and Mabel are at Greasy's Diner, sitting in the booth closest to the door. Mabel is wearing her sparkly heart sweater and Dipper is wearing a matching bowtie that Mabel forced him into by saying "Diner owners LOVE bowties!" He sat across from Mabel, tapping his fingers on the wood grumpily. "How long is this going to take?" he complained. "This bowtie is so uncomfortable."

"Aw, suck it up, Broseph." Mabel is busy putting all of her flirtiest poses into practice - the Sit 'n' Twirl, the Side-Slide, and her favorite, the Surprise Glitter. The theory behind the Surprise Glitter was that everyone who walked into the diner would instantly focus on her because of her bedazzled clothes, and the boys who liked what they saw would stay. So for, she'd only attracted two moths, seven squirrels, and twenty-three flies.

Dipper glanced out the window to distract himself from Mabel's scheme (he had figured out he had been tricked by now), and saw a black van pull into the parking lot. He watched as three very familiar teenagers climb out - a tall, dark-haired boy wearing a gray sweatshirt and extremely skinny pants with his arm around a short, dark-skinned girl with pink highlights, followed by a tall, lanky teen wearing a green flannel jacket, sporting a floppy hat on top of her bright red hair. Dipper's heart skipped a beat. _Wendy's here!_ _She can't see me in this dorky bowtie!_

Dipper anxiously looked at Mabel, who was busy talking to a guy about her age. "If you were a tropical fruit, you'd be a fine-apple!" she told him, flipping her hair. The guy nervously backed away to the other end of the diner, where most of the other boys Mabel had "charmed" were huddled.

Dipper leaned towards Mabel. "Uh, Mabel, don't you think we've been here long enough?"

"Of course not, Dip. We've only been here for half an hour!" Spotting another victim, she leans out into the aisle. "One sec, Dipper. Hey! Yeah, you! You know what this sweater is made of?" She winks. "_Girlfriend_ material!" She waves at the boy as he runs into the men's room. "What's that you were saying, Dipstick?"

"Well..." Dipper glanced toward the window and saw Wendy approaching with Robbie and Tambry. Time to take drastic measures!

He faked a few weak coughs. "I'm sick. Let's go home."

"Aw, Dipper, suck it up! We're having fun!"

"Sure, _you_ are. _I_ just wanna go home!" Dipper peered through the dirty glass of the window and saw that Wendy was almost at the door. He put his hands around his throat. "Ahg! This bowtie is cutting off my circulation!" he fakely choked. "I must get it off now!" He was able to rip it off right before Wendy spotted them (and right before Mabel saw through his bad acting).

"Sup, dorks."

"Uh, Wendy! Hi!" Dipper stammered. "Uh, Mabel and I were just hanging out here, cuz you know, that's what we like to do! Here, I mean! Where else? Haha!" He cringed inwardly at his initial awkwardness. _Stupid_, he told himself.

"Hi Wendy!" Mabel shouted at her. "I'm glad you're here, because now Dipper will want to stay! Cuz you know, he has a really big CRUSH ON YO-mphle!" Dipper managed to cover her mouth and push her under the table just in time.

"Well, we _were_ thinking about leaving, but on a completely unrelated note, I think I'll stay!" he told Wendy. "Where are you sitting?"

Wendy grinned; by now, she was incredibly accustomed to Dipper's mindless rambling. "We're sitting at - oh, shoot, I lost Robbie and Tambry." The happy couple had not bothered to stay and talk with the twins with Wendy, so now they were lost in the Saturday brunch crowd.

"I'll help you find them!" Dipper hurriedly told her. "I'm really good with directions!"

Wendy smiled at the small, hopelessly crushing twelve-year-old. "Sure, squirt." They both looked at Mabel. "What about your sister?"

Mabel was currently engaging another helpless boy in a one-sided conversation. "Hey, can I have directions?" she asked.

The boy looked confused. "To where?"

Mabel leaned in really close and whispered "_To your heart!"_

Unlike the other creeped out boys, this one didn't bother running to the other end of the diner. He ran right out the door.

Dipper looked at Wendy. "She'll be fine." He adjusted his hat. "Now, let's chart a course for Robbie and Tambry - otherwise known as _Love Island_." He caught Wendy staring at him. " I didn't mean that in a nerdy way," he explained.

She grinned. "You're cute, dork. C'mon, let's go."

The tips of Dipper's ears glowed pink at the compliment - _She thinks I'm cute!_

He followed the redheaded teen through the crowded diner, pausing every now and then to look around him for a flash of green flannel. Dipper eventually found Wendy standing in the middle of an aisle, watching Robbie and Tambry passionately make out in a booth with a disgusted look on her face.

"I should be used to them going out by now, but I just can't get over it!" she told him. "Hey, let's sit over here." They slid into the empty booth behind Robbie and Tambry.

"So, should we order something?" Dipper asked her nervously, while keeping in the back of his mind that, technically, _he was on a date with Wendy!_

"Sure. I could really go for some fries, although I've heard rumors about what they let people do to them back there." Dipper coughed nervously. "But I'm willing to take the risk," she added, winking. Wendy stood up and flagged down Lazy Susan. "Hey, can we get some fries here?"

"Sure!" Lazy Susan bent down beside Dipper. "And tell your uncle I said hi! HI!" She stood up and lifted her eyelid. "Wink!"

"Uh, okay, I guess," Dipper said, although he knew he wouldn't. Stan had kind of lost interest in Lazy Susan after an incident in which she had gotten his phone number.

/

"No way! Your dad did what?" Dipper was laughing so hard he choked on his fry. After a few hard pounds on the back, Wendy continues with her story, while Dipper tried to choke attractively.

"Yup, he punched the wall. That's apparently his solution to everything: Squirrels in the attic: punch the wall. Termites in the house: punch whatever's left of the wall. House falls down: punch the nearest tree. We've got so many holes in our walls, it's like a giant woodpecker lives with us!"

Dipper was just working up the nerve to tell Wendy about the time when he and Mabel took an unexpected trip to Scuttlebutt Island to follow the Gobblewonker, when a very pink, very sparkly, sweater-clad tornado rushed up to their table.

"DIPPER!" she bellowed into his ear. "Look! My flirting tactics paid off! I GOTTA BOYFRIEND!" Dipper noticed the guy standing behind her.

"Uh, what's his name?" Dipper asked.

"It's Doug," Mabel explained. Dipper immediately disliked Doug. He couldn't put his finger on it but there was just something about him that he didn't like.

Doug was a tall, somewhat awkward boy who looked to be about Mabel's age. He wore a red sweatshirt, had bright green eyes, and a very pale face that looked a bit oversized. He looked kind of familiar to Dipper, but he had never seen him before.

"He doesn't talk much," Mabel informed them.

"Well, great job!" Wendy told her. "Since Stan is too out of it, I guess I'll have to act the role of the father!" She stuffed her hair into her cap and pulled a strand across her lip to look like a moustache. "Young man," she said sternly to Doug. "I want her home by ten! Every night! And keep your hands NORTH of the EQUATOR! But not TOO north!"

Mabel giggled. "Oh Wendy, you're so funny!"

"Yup. Funny." Doug finally spoke. Or more, grunted. "You remind me of my brother, Jeff."

"He's told me all about his brother Jeff!" Mabel gushed. "They're so close!"

"Yeah, and speaking of brothers, I'm supposed to be watching mine!" Wendy told them. "I better go make sure they didn't burn down the house or whatever. Catch you dorks later!" She buttoned up her flannel and distributed high-fives before leaving.

"Bye Wendy!" Dipper called after her. "See you tomorrow?"

"Hey, same place same time, kid." Dipper's heart soared at the prospect of spending another morning with Wendy in a solitary booth by the window, sharing fries, telling stories…

"I said WAKE UP!" Mabel snapped her fingers in front of his face. "We're going home! I have to make myself look beautiful for my date with Doug tonight!" She blew him a kiss. "Bye Doug!" He waved.

"I still have a funny feeling about 'Doug'," Dipper told Mabel on their way out.

"Oh, relax, Dip. He's just a guy! Who has been charmed by the greatness of: MABEL!" she told him, jumping into the air. Dipper sighed and began the walk home ten steps ahead of her.


	2. Planning the Shack and Planning the Trip

Meanwhile, as Dipper and Mabel begin the walk home, Stan and Soos are planning their remodeling project. "Okay Soos, what do _you_ want the new Mystery Shack to look like?" Stan asked him, spreading out an empty blueprint on the kitchen table.

"Well, I think I want it to look like a place that people want to go to! Kind of like Disney World!" Now that Soos had an idea, he was eager to begin. "Maybe we could put a ferris wheel here, a roller coaster there," he paced around the room with his hands out, as though he could already see it. "And maybe right there….yes! There we put the mouse head!"

"Soos, we've got enough mice in the Shack already." Stan had a different image of what the Shack should look like. If only he had enough money….

Stan envisioned himself standing in a living room completely made out of dollar bills.

"Mr. Pines, I think we should probably do something about the bathrooms first. Customers have been complaining." Stan was jerked out of his fantasy and immediately annoyed.

"They're not even supposed to see the bathrooms! There's perfectly good Porta-Potties out there for them!" Stan hated the idea of strangers rubbing their butts all over his fancy engraved toilet seats. "Have you been letting them use the downstairs bathroom?"

"Actually, Wendy has. She keeps saying something about how 'not even Soos would use one of those Porta-Potties', which I find funny because I actually kind of enjoy Porta-Potties-"

Stan paced. "We'll make a checklist." He ripped a piece of paper off of the notebook Soos was holding. "Number one," he said, drawing a small box. "Bathrooms. We'll make them less gross and more, um, I don't know, appealing? But not for the customers, for me and the squirts."

"Where will I go?" Soos inquired.

"You, my dear friend, can have your very own _private_ Porta-Pottie with a _scenic view!"_ Stan told the large handyman. "It even has a name!"

"Ooh, that sounds fancy," Soos said, clapping. "What's its name?"

"Its name is: The tree behind the Dumpster!"

"Interesting. Is it foreign?"

"Uh, sure."

"And what about Wendy?" Soos was a bit concerned for the well-being of his redheaded co-worker.

"Well, Wendy will get to use the downstairs bathroom, but that's only because she's a woman."

Soos was confused. "She is? I once saw her eat an entire pork chop in less than thirty seconds-"

"Anyway," Stan hurriedly cut him off. "Next order of business: the carpet in this place!"

Soos scratched his head. "What's wrong with the carpet?"

"Seriously? Just look at it!" Stan gestured at the scraggly, stained, mustard - yellow shag carpeting in the living room. "Do you even know how many times this has been vomited on?" Soos opened his mouth and raised his finger. "Don't answer that," Stan quickly said.

"Okay, so let's get some nice, new, soft carpet!" Soos said excitedly. "In a nice color. Like blue. Or maybe fuschia!"

Stan waved his hand dismissively. "No."

"But why not? It's fun to say! Fyoo-sha!"

"We're not redoing the carpet some girly, pinky color!" Stan told him.

Soos was confused again. "Well, do _you_ have any ideas, Mr. Pines?"

Stan thought, and found himself envisioning himself standing on a gigantic, green rug that looked identical to a huge, fringed, dollar bill, large enough to hide all of his arrest warrants _and_ the money he saved by committing massive tax fraud.

"We're getting a money carpet!" he announced. Stan looked at his checklist. "Next: The Mystery Sign on the roof! That "S" has been down for a long time, and I'm afraid people are going to think it's called the 'Mystery Hack'! And all that glitter we've used to attract tourists keeps coming off in the rain." Stan rubbed his chin. "How did that even fall? I had it nailed up there pretty secure."

Dipper and Mabel amble into the kitchen. "Hey guys," Dipper waves, the grabs a Pitt Cola from the fridge.

"Hey squirts," Stan grins. "How was your morning of _free food?"_

Mabel immediately started bouncing. "It was AMAZING!" she yelled. "I flirted with tons of boys, but I finally found MY boy! And now I have a DATE tonight!"

"Woah, go Mabel!" Soos gave Mabel a high five.

"Yeah, well I was tricked into going to the diner with Mabel so she could flirt with boys!" Dipper told Stan indignantly. Then, remembering how the morning had turned out after he had abandoned Mabel to hang out with Wendy, he revised his outburst. "Well, I guess it could have been worse," he told them.

"Well, good for you two," Stan told them, then he and Soos left the kitchen, arguing about what their remodeling project should consist of.

Dipper and Mabel began to prepare their lunch. Dipper grabbed the jar of peanut butter out of the pantry and studied the nutrition facts and expiration date, while Mabel stood by the fridge, debating between pink or purple jelly.

When their sandwiches were finally ready, they sat together at the table and ate them. Dipper spotted something shiny hiding beneath a large glob of (pink) jelly in Mabel's sandwhich.

"Is that ... glitter?" Dipper asked, pointing to his sister's sandwich.

"Yup!" Mabel shouted. "Do you want some, Dip?" she asked, holding out a saltshaker that she had filled with pink sparkles.

"Uh, I'm good." Dipper had once eaten a hamburger prepared by his sister, and his poop had been glittery for a week. "I have this thing about not eating food that will make everything inside me sparkly."

"Suit yourself!" Mabel sprinkled more of her glittery topping onto her sandwich and took a gigantic bite. Dipper cringed and added more peanut butter to his sandwich.

/

After their lunch, Dipper and Mabel were in their attic room, enjoying the sunshine filtering in through the triangle shaped window. Dipper was sprawled on the floor next to the giant chess piece, and Mabel was putting up posters of the latest hot boy bands. Dipper had insisted on hanging his poster of girly Icelandic pop sensation "Baba" on her side of the room, so she hung all of hers around it.

Dipper was paging through journal number three - there were still a few parts that he had not had time to look through yet.

It was peaceful in the small, sunlit room. Mabel was cuddling Waddles while drooling over "Sev'ral Times" (she had accepted that they were clones by now), and Dipper was flipping pages and occasionally making a "ooh" sound. It stayed that way until Dipper suddenly sat bolt upright and gave a very unmanly squeal.

"Mabel!" he cried. "We _have_ to go see this!"

"What'd you find, bro-bro?" Mabel hopped down from her bed and scurried over to where Dipper was quivering with excitement.

He pointed to the page he was looking at. "Mabel," he repeated. His finger shook. "Mabel, this anomaly is _incredible!"_

"Just tell me what it is already!" Ordinarily, Mabel would be getting a little impatient with her brother's blabbering, but she was in an extremely good mood today, since she had found Doug.

"This tree! Its leaves produce a chemical that makes the air around it smell disturbingly like 'a Porta-Pottie that was just used by a troll!'"

"So in other, less sciency words…" Mabel spoke softly.

"This tree _farts!"_ Dipper exclaimed. "We have to go and grab some of these leaves and stick them in Stan's pillowcase or something!"

"Great glittery gazelles! Where is this mystical stinky tree of wonder?" Mabel asked, her eyes shining with excitement.

Dipper studied the journal page. "The tree grows at the bottom of the hill fifty steps southwest from where I found this journal! If we leave now, grab some leaves, then head back, we'll be back an hour before dinner!"

Mabel stuck her fist in the air. "Let's grab some stinky tree leaves!" she cried. Waddles snorted in agreement.

"Wait," Dipper halted his sister's bouncing. "We should probably grab a couple of Soos's gas masks before we go. We don't want to pass out or anything.

The twins crept downstairs to Soos's break room. They opened the door and found the portly handyman sitting on the couch, indulging in a salami sandwich. "Hey dudes," Soos greeted them before stuffing another bite into his large mouth. "What's happening?"

"Soos, we need to borrow your gas masks," Dipper told him.

"Sure." Soos got up and grabbed two long-snouted masks from a shelf. "What do you guys need them for?"

"Um," Dipper looked at Mabel. He had not planned on having to tell anybody of their endeavor.

Luckily, Mabel jumped to the rescue. "Stan is making us clean the Porta-Potties, and he doesn't want us to, like, _die_ of _stench_ or anything."

"Oh, sure dudes. Good luck."

The twins grabbed the masks and made their way through the rest of the shack and into the woods.


End file.
